For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11
8 months later……
8 months ago, d-day happened. I took a long walk, came home and cried myself to sleep. And life hasn’t been the same ever since….. 8 months later, the power and strength of God carries me on…
I woke up a few Sundays ago compelled to write. So I wrote on the first thing I could get my hands on, only to come across what I wrote today and decided it was garbage. So here I am, a few weeks later, thinking about the complex emotions I have been going through since it all happened. Most days, I am sad, dazed, confused. I try and create a definitive answer to what has happened, but I’ve come to learn in the process that not everything has to be defined.
Its been 8 months. And I know its going to take longer. I know I have to unwind and come down from the trauma. Period. I know the expectations people will have of me. They will want to see me as strong. But right now, I am not. I have to save the strength I have and keep moving forward. My emotional injuries are as serious as physical ones. I know what I have to do. I have been and will keep on keeping on, facing it head on. If I don’t now, it may resurface and I want to come out of this healed and with an open heart. Not for the funk to creep back up.
I don’t want to make what happened my identity. Nor will I rush through this journey making poor choices along the way. Unnecessary suffering comes out of poor responses. And since I have to live with myself, I will not be ambushed by grief later down the road b/c of poor choices. Nor do I have to live my life having to please people, be pushed around, or be taken advantage of because of vulnerabilities. I also won’t let people intimidate me if I won’t let them.
I have come to learn from wise souls. Those that have learned before me and given me hope. A light at the end of the tunnel and the will to carry on. I’ve come to gain some exceptionally wonderful friends that are worth keeping and have leaned on the ones that have and will always be my rocks. Ones that mean well. Ones who have come out of the wood-work. Who have been through it, teaching me the insight they’ve gained along the way and what the truest treasures in life are to them. Shout out to Gerald. He reigns awesomeness for this one… I remember being so distraught one day on the phone and when these words flowed out of his mouth, it was on point,…. He said, “Sarah, lemme tell you something important. You can’t bring back time. Because that is more precious than gold,… than silver, ….than anything you can ever buy! You can’t buy time. It’s priceless.” And I was like, “dang, that’s like, whoa.” That blew my mind. Slapped me right in the face. And it still resonates. I felt the shame dripping off me because I was feeling so sorry for myself then. And for a moment, I quit doing that. It’s what I needed to hear and it came right on time.
Time….I Thought about my children and the time I have with them. Because time is all I have. Children, no matter how much you try to hide it, know whats up with the whats up. They pay attention to everything. And they are learning. I know getting my shite together for whats going to come up is whats important. And my focus. I want to teach my children how to make things right. How to come out from beneath something so difficult. Who else will if I won’t?
Alrighty. Its 3:30 am and I’m tired. I think that’s it for now. That and my sudden bout of carpal tunnel, slash tendonitis or whatever the hell it is I got on the J, O, B, this week is outta control.
1 pound powdered sugar
1 stick melted butter
3 cups rice crispies
1 jar crunchy peanut butter
1 1/2 packages of chocolate chips
1 1/2 Tbs Crisco shortening
1. combine butter, rice crispies, powdered sugar and peanut butter in a large bowl
2. drop into balls on waxed paper with a teaspoon. i found it difficult to work with
3. dip clean hands in a bowl of cold water, shake access water off hands and round out the spoonfuls of peanut-butter balls in my palms
4. Melt Crisco and chocolate in double boiler
5 dip the balls in melted chocolate with tooth picks and place on wax paper
6 let cool and store in fridge. there ya go!
This evening, the kiddos and I got comfy in our jammies, spent quality time in the living room, having a camp out, watching Alvin and the Chipmunks, throwing peace signs up in front of the camera. Eating the wolverines we made earlier in the day and laughing our butts off. Now that’s my kind of Saturday night. My children. My loves! My life! Time well spent….